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22 Simple Bed Time Rules We’re Too Afraid To Talk About

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22 Simple Bed Time Rules We’re Too Afraid To Talk About

When it comes to sex, there are universal rules that one generally must follow. It is a dress code every Millennial should consider.

Unfortunately, too often, many of these rules and guidelines are forgotten or blatantly disregarded causing one or both parties to become completely satisfied with your sexual experience.

I say enough of that noise! These rules are not intended to undermine or cause limitations individuality of a person in the bedroom; they are there to ensure that both parties feel equally respected, comfortable and content.

Sex is a wonderful thing that is incredibly nice, but sometimes things get out of control. Maybe you are just rusty in the rules or maybe you’ve blanked them completely.

Anyway, here are 22, the unspoken rules sex honest everyone should know (and religiously follow) on the fly:

1. You can’t get what you don’t ask for.

And honesty is the best policy. If you don’t ask for something, your partners are not mind readers — you can’t expect that they’ll know what you want.

Sure, you run the risk of their not being down with the dirty, but it’s better to have tried and failed than to have never tried at all. Plus, if they say “yes,” you’re in the clear for next time, too.


2. Don’t expect to get action down below without being willing to take the plunge, too.

Sex is about give and take. If you’re going to get it, be willing to give it. Now, if one of you just feels like doing it and just goes for the main event right after, that’s fine as well.

We all have our preferences and like to change it up. I just mean, don’t let him or her give you what you’re not willing to give yourself.


3. In most cultures, spitting is kind of rude.

A tap on the shoulder is a kind gesture.


4. If your partner is doing something you’re not down for, say something.

If you don’t tell your partner you’re not okay with whatever position you’re in, or you’re not feeling comfortable with where hands are straying, let it be known.


5. Never push a girl’s head down if you don’t want teeth.

We’ll do it if we want to do it. And if you want it that badly, ask. That way we can say “yes,” or “no,” without feeling pressured or uncomfortable should we choose to ignore your unwanted advances.


6. Don’t stare.

Please, never be that person who stares for an uncomfortably long time into your partner’s eyes mid-coitus. You don’t look sexy, you look constipated.

It feels really awkward. Sure, a passionate kiss is perfectly acceptable, but stick to a five-second rule when it comes to eye contact.


7. This isn’t the library; make some noise.

Nothing is creepier than having sex with a person who’s mute during the act. Well, besides maybe the aforementioned person who stares for inappropriate amounts of time.

If you like something, let your partner know with a little “oh,” “ah” action. Plus, if you give vocal affirmation, you’re much more likely to get more of the good stuff.


8. Never try for the backdoor without a discussion beforehand.

This is not a “let’s go for it!” kind of sexual exercise. This little game takes time, preparation and trust. Don’t just come knocking on a lady’s backdoor without (and I cannot stress this enough) EXPLICITpermission.


9. Assume you will use a condom.

This means always coming prepared. Don’t think you’re going skin-to-skin — especially if this is a girl you just met in a bar. You should care as much about her health as you do your own. Don’t play stupid.

And not to mention, if you didn’t ask if she’s on the pill, don’t assume she is.


10. A shower is not an invitation.

Shower sex is f*cking terrible. If your partner hops in the shower, don’t you dare think that warrants an invitation. If we ladies would like you to join us (though Lord only knows why in hell any of us would), we’ll be sure to let you know.


11. Don’t assume you’re spending the night.

Ladies and gentlemen, just because sexual relations took place does not mean there is an implied sleepover. This especially goes for a one-night stand. Be prepared to take a hint and get a cab home.

Dudes, call the girl a cab if you don’t want her to stay. She let you see her naked, it’s the least you can do.


12. If you decide to run the red light, don’t stop in the intersection.

If you’re going to say you’re fine with some strawberry and cream, don’t back out last minute acting all grossed out. It’s a natural thing that happens to our womanly bodies, despite how unfortunate that may be.

Just remember, towel down before you get down.


13. No pregnancy jokes.

But it is important that the two of you know where you stand should the situation arise.

Have a plan set up that the two of you are comfortable with. And I think this goes without saying, but don’t talk about this “plan” while naked.


14. Morning after pill.

Dudes, you pay for it, and you take her to get it. Be a gentleman. Or at least offer to pay. If she wants to split, it’s negotiable.


15. No Tindering after pulling out.

Your dating apps can wait until you’re alone. If they can’t, I would suggest seeing a specialist because you clearly have an addiction. And while you’re at it, you might want to get tested for STDs.


16. You can always help clean up.

Get the lady a towel.


17. If you can’t remember your partner’s name, just don’t say anything.

Don’t pretend… just keep your mouth shut. Chances are, your partner probably doesn’t remember either.


18. Foreplay is not “optional.”

Your head may get away from you, but remember, if you’d like to go for rounds two and three, you need to slow the f*ck down and prepare.


19. If you spent the night, offer breakfast.

If you’ve stayed the night at someone’s place, always offer to buy or make breakfast. It’s quid pro quo, bro.


20. Keep it out of the lady’s hair.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: Do not shoot your swimmers into our hair. We probably spent a lot of time making it look pretty, hence the current naked situation we’re currently in. Aim, buster, aim.


21. No getting grossed out by morning breath if you initiate morning sex.

If you didn’t brush your teeth, you’re asking for morning breath, so just ignore it and go forth. You’re both equally gross right now, so it shouldn’t be much of an issue.


22. If you’re interested, ask for a number.

This goes for both guys and girls. Ladies, if you like this dude, it’s perfectly fine to ask for his number. And dudes, don’t just leave us hanging if you want to see us again. You won’t get another chance if you have no way to contact us.

So, ask for a number and maybe we can naked wrestle again sometime in the near future.

 

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